BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE REAL PROBLEMS (12.02.12)

During photoschool I used to read a lot of Bukowsky's (of course). My days were interesting and I couldn't wait to live a photographer's life. A lot of things he wrote marked me at the time (of course). One was that we spend the most part of our life waiting. And waiting. All I didn't want was a waiting life. I wanted to be constantly outside, constantly stimulated. My brain sometimes seems to function like an editing program, like photoshop bridge. He chooses the good frames, changes it sequence and what a great story we can get! Or not. Today I have been so positively surprised discovering this blog has a fallower I don't personally know, form Hungary!! She wrote a comment for the first time telling fallowing retangolo since some years. Wow!! This made me visit my own blog and going back reading my own thoughts. Well that looks like a great time I've had 'til now! With it's ups and downs but constantly going for something. I think I am in the midst of another (boring) crisis. Right here in Kabul. Afghanistan is one of the names who impressed me most. I used t think of the day I will be there as life-changing. I fixed it in my thoughts as others fix goals to reach, like wealth, love etc... and I right now feel that it is so stupid. Pretty unspecific. You just got to get yourself a ticket to kabul. Step out of the plane and here you are. Or not? Am I not seeing the incredible chance anymore of having been that privileged to be here in november with the international red cross, of beeing here now in a centre working with kids and still having friends at the icrc inviting me for drinks and shower? The first time I have seen a woman in burka at the airport, and that's no joke (unfortunately haha) I felt like somebody could, in front of it's superstar. Today I don't see any exotic in it anymore. Wich is a great thing. The best of things, in fact. With the result that I am longing for next steps, setting some new and strange goals for my photography... Phisically suffering of it. Is that normal? Is this passion or just paranoia? How come that everything I achieve gets down to normal? Am I never ever satisfied? Or am I a lazy nut waiting for things jsut to happen? Or I just don't have the nuts for going for the real thing? Or do I predict things that much that I know exactly not wanting to be traumatised for a couple of handshakes and some "likes" on facebook... if ever. Or am I asking myself the wrong questions? For the first time I'm wondering if I shouldn't get myself a real job. Photography is a dying profession. It seems in the next days a swiss mag I have contact with, is sending a journalist. But taking the pics herself. Beside of this being a reflection of our times... I am here and all I am deeply longing for is an assignment in a place like this one. Moving with the red cross jeeps and taking the pictures for a magazine. Probably underpayed. Kinda just for the glory. Is that an unrealtistic dream? Putting the bar to high? I now hope having put this thoughts on the blog will keep em out of my mind. And I want my doubts to be part of this fragile trace I leave with not much attention... I also want to remember all this time waiting, and waiting...